From Certainty to Mystery
How Doubt Led Me to a Deeper Faith
This reflection was originally published on Medium under the “Even Here” publication.
Read it there → Even Here
Learning to hold the tensions of faith, reason, and personal experience
“I believe that faith in the Creator is necessarily transrational (not anti-rational) and mystical. I try to remember that as I work through intellectual challenges — and I mean work through, not avoid.”
— Peter Enns, The Sin of Certainty
This quote gave me pause. It put into words something I’ve been trying to live out — something I hadn’t been able to fully articulate until now.
Growing up in my tradition, my faith was shaped in a context where spiritual experiences were deeply valued and often expected. I learned to anticipate the miraculous, to be attentive to impressions from the Holy Spirit, and to trust that God speaks personally and presently. I didn’t feel the need to question much — God was real, and I felt Him.
But two decades later, the questions came.
Not all at once, but gradually — like small fissures forming in something once whole. Some questions were theological, others deeply personal. I began to wonder: Is what I believe truly grounded? Or is it simply what I’ve inherited, affirmed emotionally, and assumed over time?
In that season of doubt, I found myself drawn to the opposite end of the spectrum.
I left my previous church and began attending an international, inter-denominational community — one that “majored on the majors and minored on the minors.” It was a relief to be in a space that welcomed theological breadth, where unity didn’t require uniformity. I was encouraged to think more deeply, to study Scripture with a critical lens, and to pursue understanding rather than suppress my questions.
Eventually, I enrolled in seminary. I wanted to be equipped to serve others — especially women like me who carry questions — and to be able to journey with them faithfully. But I also wanted to know whether the God I believed in could withstand scrutiny — not just emotional appeal, but intellectual honesty. I learned a great deal. My understanding of Christianity deepened, widened, and matured. But in the process, I also found myself letting go of many certainties.
And oddly, that became a turning point.
As Peter Enns writes, faith is transrational — beyond reason, but not opposed to it. That resonated deeply with me. I began to see that faith and reason are not adversaries. That God can be both knowable and unknowable. That ambiguity and trust can exist side by side.
Now, the pendulum is slowly swinging back — not to where it once was, but toward a more integrated place. I haven’t abandoned thinking, but I no longer idolize certainty. I haven’t returned to the same kind of experiential faith I once knew, but I’ve stopped being suspicious of it. I’m learning to make peace with the reality that not everything can be resolved — and that’s not a weakness in faith, but part of its depth.
I find myself more open. Still wrestling, but more at home in the tension.
And perhaps that, too, is part of what it means to believe.
📌 Reflection Question
Have you ever experienced your own “pendulum swing” in faith? What did you discover along the way?